Convenient: my struggle nears resolution as this challenge nears completion.
(momentary silence for all things neat and tidy)
Sometimes, I’m dense.
It takes me a while to realize things,
things like: grad school isn’t going to be like college,
aka,
the future isn’t going to be like the past.
Now, by not enrolling in a graduate program, I feel as though I am missing out on my life. Because I loved Gordon, I’m in this maddening panic to get what I used to have.
The future isn’t going to be like the past.
Now, I know history repeats itself and stuff… but it doesn’t. If it did, we wouldn’t be on the moon, wouldn’t have solar power, and we sure as hell wouldn’t be re-defining the pound symbol.
The future doesn’t have to be like the past.
Mistakes repeat themselves; the past does not. I’ve been stuck in this cycle of self-doubt, trying to figure out what future step I need to take to bring me back to who I said I was going to be, back to where I was before I knew I could go somewhere.
Just, back.
But the person I can become,
she isn’t back there.
Mary's One Hundred 