168: because you should lose control

I don’t typically plan on eavesdropping, but sometimes it’s hard to ignore the person talking at the table next to mine in the café. And last September, I was thankful for my distracted nature, because what The Bald Man at Starbucks said fucked me up good:

“Is it built on caring for other people, or is it built on control?”

He, of course, was talking about social policy. I, of course, applied it to my own life. How does the distinction between caring and controlling affect my interactions with people?

But it wasn’t until Elizabeth Gilbert’s “Magic Lessons” podcast episode (featuring Brené Brown) that I realized what I was missing.

How does that distinction affect my interactions with myself?

What am I doing in my own life, in an attempt to control myself—instead of care for myself?

Synonyms for control include shame, judgement, fear, and destruction. It’s limiting and toxic and full of pretense. And it sounds a lot like, “I need to work out so I can fit into those jeans,” or, “I did a shit job last time, so why should I bother trying again?”

Synonyms for caring include gratitude, joy, compassion, and creation. It’s gentle and honest and full of curiosity. And it sounds a lot like, “Working out is a way to cherish my vessel,” or, “Yesterday didn’t go as planned, but let’s see what I can accomplish today.”

Caring gives, and control takes away.

Caring for yourself gives you life. Controlling yourself depletes it.