“But, what’s next for you?”
It was asked by someone after they heard my SO and I aren’t getting married. It was asked by someone confused, a little curious, and definitely shocked.
It was asked, as if marriage is The Only. As if, without marriage, there’s nothing else to do as a couple. As if marriage is the diploma, and all you’ve learned the past four years is how to walk across a stage and shake someone’s hand.
And it threw me for a fucking loop because are you fucking serious?
Marriage isn’t the diploma; it’s the fucking coursework. And dating is the goddamn admissions essay.
The point of college isn’t a diploma; it’s learning about a topic you plan to spend the rest of your life interested in. Maybe your niche-y Linguistics degree pays the bills; maybe it doesn’t. But you love declining Greek nouns, and discovering why men and women sound different, even though one is in the other.
The diploma is only useful if you decide to go learn somewhere else. (And even at that, did your senior seminar on philosophical hermeneutics really help with that marketing gig?)
Is marriage an exciting next step we could take? Absolutely. But is it one we have to for a successful, fulfilling relationship? Fuck no.
Besides, I’ve still got so many classes to look forward to:
- Travel Europe
- Get another dog
- Finish the basement
- Host a lot of parties
- Buy a house?
- Grow old
- Drive crazy
- Get driven crazy
Mary's One Hundred 
This is a very good point. Marriage isn’t the destination it’s a step in the journey. If we stick to that flawed logic, then a marriage without children isn’t complete either ! Obviously we all know that is not the case. Marriage isn’t a diploma, its a promise and you have to spend your entire life fulfilling that promise. The scary part though is that you make that promise knowing we are broken humans and will fail at that promise multiple times. Marriage isn’t about living up to that promise every day, Marriage is about forgiveness. It is nearly daily humbling and forgiveness . We must hope that most of the time we can be half the man or woman that our dogs think we are daily. Honestly that to me is even harder. Anyone can aspire to impossible ideals, it takes true humility and honesty to be able to live and forgive every day, and I always hope that I can live up to it as best I can.
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Thank you for your insight! I love the idea that humility and forgiveness are cornerstones of marriage, because it recognizes my own shortcomings before it recognizes what you can do for me. When I realize how often I need forgiveness I am also more generous in giving it.
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This is exactly what I am talking about. Truly loving someone is knowing they aren’t ready to be perfect for you but choosing to love them anyway and knowing they will let you down and knowing you both will fail but that in the end you will be there and look back and laugh at it because that’s what life is. Take joy in knowing you can’t be perfect . Accept that people love you anyways. You can never prepare for it, you just have to face it with a smile and be brave knowing you don’t know what is next. Life isn’t about flying to perfection it’s about learning how to fall with style and having a partner that is still there and still thinks you’re great when you hit rock bottom. That’s not perfection, that is honesty and that is the real deal in this world.
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This is a great synopsis for marriage and also relationships with yourself–i find the two hard to distinguish sometimes.
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